


sugary perfection

by mhnsky



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Not A Lot Of Plot, contains copious amounts of cheese, lots of sass, mostly fluff tbh, slight mention of TaeKai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 10:56:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4389101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mhnsky/pseuds/mhnsky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“His cheekbones should be illegal, as should the fact that he’s probably better looking than me. I can’t have that, I really can’t. My skin is going to suffer if I keep angsting like this, and then I won’t have any social life at all and probably die alone with fifty cats. And Chanyeol.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	sugary perfection

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my LJ, but I've decided to start using AO3 exclusively, so I'm moving this here...Mostly so that my profile doesn't look so blank. Baekhyun is absolutely ridiculous in this, just the way I like him. Caution: attempt at humor. I'm not funny.

“Perfection exists.”

It was a testimony to the strength of their lifelong friendship that one of the other three males currently gathered in the common room didn’t even bat an eyelash before quipping, “We know. You tell us every single day.”

“No, I’m serious. Perfection exists, and I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. Everything I’ve known has been a lie.”

Scoffing, one Oh Sehun (otherwise known as ‘the former holder of the ever-so-coveted title of Byun Baekhyun’s Second Best Friend’) deadpanned, “Oh, no. He’s figured out that he _isn’t_ the living embodiment of perfection. I thought we were going to break it to him gently.”

Well, he certainly wasn’t going to take _that_ sort of language (read: blasphemy) sitting down. The scuffle that erupted shortly thereafter was further confused with the addition of an enthusiastic Park Chanyeol, his unnecessarily long limbs flopping uselessly around until Baekhyun and Sehun made a split second decision to reconcile out of desperation and teamed up in order to preserve their lives (read: flawlessly, boyish good looks) from the menace that doubled as a human giraffe. Once things had settled down, Baekhyun returned to his position splayed out on the couch, feet propped up on the fourth and last member of their little rag-tag bunch, Kim Jongin, who seemed torn between annoyance and amusement.

“You’ve been whining about 'perfection’ or whatever for the past two hours, hyung. Is this going to take much longer? Because if it is, I’ll have to call Taemin and let him know I’m going to be late for practice, and I really don’t want to be yelled at again.” Traitor.

_What kind of friends show zero sympathy for the plight of a desperate and broken man? Can’t they see that this is a complete and utter emergency? All they can think about is themselves!_

It wasn’t a fair statement, and he didn’t really mean it, so he merely settled on more pouting as he sat up, crossing his arms across his chest and 'accidentally’ digging his feet into Jongin’s side sharply, eliciting a bit off yelp and death glare that had the opposite effect of frightening Baekhyun into submission. In fact, the sudden appearance of a disturbingly familiar malicious glint in the wide, 'innocent’ eyes he turned on them told him that he was pretty darn satisfied with himself, at the moment.

“Obviously, you don’t care that my life is a mess and everything hurts, so you’re dismissed. Go on; get out of here, Kim Jongin. See if I care.” Baekhyun illustrated how much he totally _did not_ care by waving a hand imperiously, shooing him as he turned his head to the side and sniffed disdainfully.

Rolling his eyes, Jongin reached over and caught him in a headlock, ruffling his hair and ignoring his initial indignation (“I am your hyung, Jongin-ah! Show me some respect!”) which then turned into high-pitched, terrified whines pleas for release (on account of: “My hair! My wonderful, glorious, perfectly styled hair!”) “Don’t worry, hyung. I won’t leave you with these incompetents in your moment of crisis.”

The monotone voice he used to offer his 'reassurance’ should have provided him little comfort, but Baekhyun was totally ~~not~~ easy to please, so he perked up right away and beamed up at the younger (if slightly taller) boy. “You’re my new favorite, Jongin-ah.”

“Yah! What about me?”

Clearly willing to pretend that a now heavily sulking Chanyeol wasn’t leaning across his body to gape at Baekhyun, affecting hurt at his 'betrayal,’ Sehun sighed and resigned himself to what was sure to be an _extremely_ insightful explanation by asking, “Okay, what’s the problem, hyung? Why is your life a mess. What hurts. Please share with the class.”

_He’s been spending too much time with Jongin lately._

“ _Everything_ hurts, Sehunnie. Weren’t you listening?” Baekhyun began dramatically, throwing himself back into a laying position on the couch once he’d successfully freed himself from the 'tender embrace’ of his friend. “I mean, obviously it’s kind of impossible for anything or anyone to be as perfect as me, so I never thought I’d find something that was, you know? But it exists: there is actually someone who just might be the most perfect thing in the world, and I honestly don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like it’s Christmas morning and I just found out that Santa Claus isn’t real. This is just… _Terrible_. I’m not sure I want to live in these sort of conditions.”

If they were anyone other than the people who knew him the best and the longest, then they would surely believe that he was exaggerating and laughingly brushed it off. As it so happened, they knew for a fact that he was completely, one-hundred percent serious. They exchanged glances, somewhat bemused. The last time he’d been this serious about something was when his parent’s cut off his access to his credit card.

“Who is this mythical creature?” questioned a desperate Chanyeol, _obviously_ looking for a way to return himself to the position of Baekhyun’s 'favorite.’

“That’s the worst part: I don’t know!” Baekhyun wailed, clearly beyond frustrated by this point. “I know that he’s got cheekbones that could totally cut through diamond, the prettiest white teeth like… _ever_ , goes to the same university as us, and works at that one cute little bakery that just opened up. You know the one? His favorite color is blue because he’s _always_ wearing it. I mean, I don’t blame him; it brings out his eyes and is totally complementary to his skin color, but _seriously_. He definitely needs some more color is his wardrobe.”

There was a long period of silence, during which the other three males eyed Baekhyun warily as he huffed and puffed and looked ready to either burst into a flurry of tears or spontaneously combust. Or _both_. Eventually, it was broken by an indifferent Sehun, who appeared to wish he was _far_ away. “Aw, how cute. You have a crush on a walking fashion disaster. Was that it? Can we move on, now?”

Baekhyun gaped at Sehun in utter disbelief, sputtering out, “What? No! No! I don’t have a crush on anyone; what are you talking about? That’s completely ridiculous. Just because he’s like a living sculpture and I kind of want to lick sugar off of his face, that doesn’t mean I _like_ him. I don’t even know his name!”

“…You want to _what_?”

“Huh? Oh, lick sugar off his face. That’s not weird, right?” He didn’t think so, but the dubious looks on Jongin and Chanyeol’s faces coupled with the disgust on Sehun’s told him it might be just the _teeniest bit_ weird. Dismissing their unneeded opinions, he continued desperately, “What do I doooooo? Should I just…tell him this campus isn’t big enough for the both of us, and he needs to find somewhere else, because I totally called dibs? I really don’t think I can take much more of this stress. It’s making me all splotchy. Byun Baekhyun doesn’t _do_ splotchy!”

“You could do that… _Or_ you could actually _talk_ to him? At least find out his name before you attempt to evict the kid. Jeez, hyung. You’re completely ridiculous.” Jongin, otherwise known as the former favorite, offered unhelpfully.

“I hate you. All of you. Goodbye. I’m going to go drown myself in my misery and sorrow, somewhere far, far away from you. And then I’m going to get new friends who realize how lucky they are to be able to bask in my excellence,” Baekhyun informed them conversationally, getting up from the couch and stalking away, crying loudly something that sounded like, “Ingrates! Uncaring fiends!”

Not that they could hear over the sound of their laughter that followed him all the way back to his dorm, where he spent the rest of the afternoon in utter dejection.

* * *

After spending an evening in solitude and lamenting the existence of such a perfect creature, one that somehow managed to defy all logic (Baekhyun’s, anyway) and surpass his superior good-looks, he had made the executive decision to cut his losses and approach the object of his frustrations with an ultimatum: his (perfectly acceptable) suggestion of switching campuses, or plastic surgery. _There’s such a thing as reverse beautifying; that’s totally legit._ This decision had brought him to the front of the little bakery that had seemed to spring up overnight, lingering as he took the time to ‘admire’ the facade and collect his thoughts into a (semi-)coherent mental draft.

The bakery had a Chinese name, but Baekhyun hadn’t bothered attempting to read the Mandarin. He vaguely remembered Chanyeol providing it to him helpfully, but he was too busy being distracted by the sculptured features of a _demi God_ to register it, at the time. Bakeries and cafes, etc. weren’t exactly his scene, but even he could admit that this particular building was aesthetically appealing. _Of course it is; it would have to be to house such a work of art._

“Are you going in, or are you going to continue staring like a creeper?”

The honey smooth tones caught him off-guard, and he startled violently, somehow managing to knock over a bike which had been leaning near the door frame. He turned wide, frightened eyes toward the attacker mysterious owner of the disembodied voice, wondering if this were finally the end...And relaxed visibly, shoulders slumping, letting out a gasp of air that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Oh my God, I thought you were like...Freddy Krueger, or something.” Baekhyun clutched his hand to his chest, ignoring the offended look that crossed the stranger male’s face, and sobbed dramatically, “I’m too young and pretty to die this early. Don’t ever do something like that again. That’s, like, against the law. You could go to jail for manslaughter, and you look like they’d eat you up there.”

Not that he had any personal experience, of course.

The baby-faced male opposite him raised an eyebrow, clearly unsure how to respond, before simply settling with repeating his question. “Are you going in, or not? I don’t think the boss would appreciate someone standing out here and scaring all the customers away by peering inside like a creeper and fogging up the windows.”

“I’m not a creeper! Stop saying that --” Just then, something about the other male’s sentence caught his attention, and he broke off mid-whine to bark excitedly, “Boss? Customers? Do you work here, Krueger-ssi?”

“Oh my God. You are a lunatic.”

“What? No, no. I was tested; I’m perfectly normal. Anyway, do you?”

Sighing, the person-that-was-about-to-become-his-favorite ran a hand through his hair and eyed him suspicious, looking as if he severely doubted Baekhyun’s ‘reassurances’ but answered anyway, “Yeah, I work here. So, that’s why I’m going to have to ask you to either go in there and purchase something, or leave before someone files a complaint.”

Completely ignoring the ‘suggestion,’ Baekhyun reached out and clasped the other male’s hands in his own, eyes sparkling as he peered up at him. “That makes you my new best friend. I have a problem, and I think maybe you can solve it.”

“...I know you do, but I don’t think I’m qualified for that kind of service.”

“...” He stared blankly for a moment before realization hit him, and he waved the words away carelessly. “I told you, I’m perfectly normal. Completely sane. Except not anymore, because I have a problem that works here, and I need him taken care of...like, immediately.”

There was a moment of silence as the stranger considered his words before a slightly glazed look crossed his wide, doe eyes and he responded distantly, “I really think it’s too early for this, honestly. Assassination attempts will have to wait until after lunch, when I’ve had enough time to consider moving back to China.”

Raising an eyebrow, Baekhyun chirped, “It’s never too early for an assassination attempt. In fact, I think the earlier the better. But that’s not what I meant, anyway. I don’t want him dead, because that would be a total loss to the world, and I’m not that heartless to deprive the masses of art. No, I just want you to like...ask him if he wouldn’t mind moving. Somewhere far away, preferably. Or, see if he’s ever considered reconstruction surgery. You know, so he’s not so pretty. I’m pretty sure his cheekbones qualify as a weapon, so he should definitely see about getting that fixed before he’s taken into the station under suspicion of murder for something other than excessively good looks.”

The more he talked, the more amused the stranger seemed. Baekhyun was a little surprised that the other male seemed to be following his ramblings so easily, something that not even his three, life-long best friends ever seemed to manage properly. He was even more taken aback by the fact that he didn’t spit some kind of scathing remark in his direction, and slam the bakery door in his face. After all, he wasn’t exactly making it a secret that he was apparently pining after another male so enthusiastically. Times might have been changing, but not everyone was that accepting of things that differed from the ‘social norm,’ yet.

“That description sounds familiar. You must be talking about Chen. Do you know him?”

“Chen? Chen? Is that his name? What kind of name is that…?”

“I’ll take that as a ‘no,’ then. His name is actually Kim Jongdae, but one of our friends has trouble pronouncing Korean names, so he gave him that nickname not long after we all met for the first time in a language exchange, and it kind of stuck.” The other male paused for a moment, considering him so closely that Baekhyun felt almost as if he were on display. “What do you want with Chen, if you don’t even know him?”

“I already told you. Does no one listen to me?” Baekhyun took a moment to pout, bemoaning the distinct lack of respect that was given to him by everyone everywhere, always. “His cheekbones should be illegal, as should the fact that he’s probably better looking than me. I can’t have that, I really can’t. My skin is going to suffer if I keep angsting like this, and then I won’t have any social life at all and probably die alone with fifty cats. And Chanyeol.”

Snorting, the bakery employee deadpanned, “Wow, that sounds terrible. And also pretty serious. Let’s confront him about this utter disgrace and save your skin, hm? Oh, by the way; my name’s Lu Han. You can call me Luhan, because everyone does, honestly. How old are you?”

“I was born in 1992,” Baekhyun replied absently, hyper aware of Luhan’s every moment as he opened the door and gestured for him to enter the shop, moving to do so as slowly as possible.

He was kind of starting to freak out now that he was going to be face to face with the most frustratingly attractive male he’d ever seen, if he were to be honest. _I hope I’m not blotchy..._ That would be completely humiliating. Baekhyun didn’t want to present anything less than his best face (literally) to the person whom nature thought could upstage him, and the effect would be completely ruined if he wound up looking like some kind of kindergartner figure painted canvas.

“Then, I’m your hyung...You’re the same age as Chen, by the way.”

Luhan said it so casually, as if there was a possibility that he could be friends with literal perfection. As if he Baekhyun cared about anything other than staking a claim on his territory and preserving his title. Because he didn’t care. Nope, not one bit.

…

Okay, maybe he cared a _little_ bit, but only because the mysterious Kim Jongdae (a.k.a) Chen had just made an appearance, and now he felt like weeping.

“Oh, hello. Are you a customer, or…?”

“No. He’s your secret admirer/stalker, and I think he’s creeping out the customers, so please take care of this so we can all continue to grow older by the minute in peace. And not ruin our appetites.”

Somehow, Baekhyun felt betrayed. He’d honestly thought that Luhan was going to help him, not make him look like some kind of pervert, or something. Baekhyun would have to go to drastic measures in the future to make sure that Luhan never met any of his friends, because it was honestly too much, how alike they all must be. After all, it seemed as if Luhan was pretty damned amused by the situation he’d created, and he'd only had to deal with this humiliation at the hands of The Three Idiot Amigo’s before... _I hope he steps on a lego._

_Karma. I have faith in you._

Eyeing him warily now, ‘Chen’ frowned slightly and asked, “Is that...true?”

“Well, no. I mean, yes, kind of, but no. I’m not stalking you, I swear. I just happen to keep being in the same general location as you, and it’s starting to throw me off-balance. I’m not really sure I can take it anymore, honestly,” Baekhyun blurted out the admission quickly, before he fainted or something, because basking in Chen’s light was beginning to make him feel light-headed. Luhan looked more amused by the passing second, and Chen looked more confused than anything. “Have you ever considered getting plastic surgery? I was going to ask you to move, but I guess that’s not really fair, because like...College is expensive, I totally get that, and it would be kind of hard to transfer somewhere else on such a short notice. But like, reconstructive surgery should be…”

“Hold on. You want me to get plastic surgery? Are you saying I’m ugly, or something?”

Oh, he looked mad now, and more than a little offended. Not that Baekhyun could blame him, really. The ‘helpful suggestion’ hadn’t really come out the way he wanted it to, and oh God, he was panicking again.

“No, no, no. _No_ , definitely not. You’re, like, a little too good-looking. You know?” That only seemed to confuse the situation further, and Baekhyun honestly felt like tearing his hair out, at this point. Not that he would, of course. It was too luscious and perfectly styled to be tainted by bald patches. “Look, I don’t usually admit this, but it’s totally obvious that you’re _really_ attractive. I would be an idiot not to acknowledge that fact, and Byun Baekhyun is _not_ an idiot. It’s just a little difficult to accept the reality, okay? Until now, I’ve been alone in the world of impossibly stunning good-looks, and this has me completely shaken up. I really don’t know what to do, so I just came here today to ask your face a favor: Can it not?”

It was at that moment that Luhan completely lost it, looking as if he’d been trying to hold it in and finally unable to take it a second longer, exploding into a fit of giggles that attracted the attention of the entire store to the little tableau of awkwardness. Chen’s face that turned increasingly red the longer Baekhyun spoke, and the look was infuriatingly good on him. _Ugh. This is **so** not fair._

“Um, no? I don’t know; I don’t ask it to do anything, it’s just like this...You know, beyond my control.” Chen seemed to be attempting to affect nonchalance, which was so ridiculously cute, and Baekhyun would later remember to coo over this moment. Now, however, he felt like face planting into the nearest wall. Hard. Multiple times. Sob. “If you have a crush on me, you could’ve just asked me out like a normal person.”

Gaping at him in disbelief, Baekhyun cried out a little _too_ loudly, “No! I so don’t have a crush on you! I just think you’re really hot and sort of want to lick sugar off your cheekbones, but _anyone_ would think the same…!”

“I have never once wanted to lick sugar off Chen’s face. You don’t know where that’s been.”

Everyone seemed content to ignore Luhan’s ‘helpful’ insertion in favor of Chen’s returned, “Okay, sure. Because that’s normal. Look, just give me your name and your KakaoTalk ID, and I’ll take you out after I get off work. You’re kind of cute, so I wouldn’t mind it.”

This was so not how Baekhyun had imagined this confrontation going, but somehow, he really couldn’t complain.

 _Especially_ not when one date turned into two turned into twenty. Somewhere along the line, he lost count (not: they’re at one hundred and fifty-eight; one hundred and fifty-nine soon enough), and gained himself a really hot boyfriend. Whom he _finally_ convinced to let him lick sugar off his cheekbones, to the disgust of all their friends.

_They’re just jealous. Perfection exists, and I have it all._

****  
  
  



End file.
